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| Playing in the drizzling rain in the backyard! |
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| Happy to see the lake while it's raining! |
I can't think of a good reason why I didn't even bother to write a post, but I do know that I was making sure I was doing well with my rotation and gave a bit more focus on my yoga practice and being more active.
I can honestly say too that there was a part of me that was depressed! Coming back home was different than what I had imagined it to be. I didn't think I would be longing for my "real" home in San Antonio and wanting to see Rynel and my friends again so much, nor did I imagine having a lonely feeling despite being in the company of my lovely puppies and my parents.
The worst part was that I had no friends back home -- the majority of my high school friends have moved on with their lives. They either live in different places/married/with kids or I lost in touch with them, so there were times when I would find myself contemplating if going out anywhere would be worthwhile since I would be doing it all by myself.
Not that I didn't like being alone. I think being alone is great, but I was so spoiled back in San Antonio. If Rynel wasn't there then Kate was there for me to always bother her. I was always busy with school related things so there was never a true moment that I was completely alone (except for my long showers and the times I've gone shopping by myself, haha!).
There were days where I would pray myself to sleep asking God to calm my heart. There was a part of me that wanted to tell myself 'get over it, you're 24 years old and there many who are less fortunate than you' and another that said 'this is a normal feeling to have and that's ok'. I realize now though that when you don't keep yourself busy you often get more fixated on a problem that isn't nearly as bad as it is.
And then, of course, problems started arising (once again) between my dad and I. And while I don't want to describe this particular topic in detail (let's just say we don't always get along), it was certainly a big enough issue for me to call my professor and ask for a clinical placement back in San Antonio.
....but I stuck it out and I figured out a solution and a way to cope. Mainly this consisted of daily devotionals, yoga, puppies, and endless hours of youtube and Netflix --- oh yeah and the typical 40 hours per week at work (rotation) and the mild studying (mild in comparison to when actually in class).
The youtube and Netflix part was fun, I don't think I've watched that much TV content in a while, and of course, I found the hobby of macaron baking. Which is honestly VERY time consuming. AND! I focused on working out daily! Yes, (almost) daily with a mix of low to high intensity. So much so that my mom and I try to challenge ourselves to working out and it's been fun seeing my mom get in better shape!
And now, after finishing my second rotation and moving into my third, I feel more confident in who I am and the challenges I know I can face. And I thank mostly from the fact that I was ALONE. Alone to contemplate, alone to realize once again what I want to accomplish and focus on my hobbies. Alone in that I can appreciate myself more. In a way I was forced to be alone and this led me to be closer with my relationship to God. It led me to appreciate my friends, and it led me to appreciate my family even more.
If I ever needed advice or a friend to talk to I could always count on Rynel to remind me how much I had waiting for me in San Antonio and how much of a personal feat it would be for the both of us to endure 8 months away from each other (albeit with a few weekends where we can see each other). I think to myself, WOW, how much we've grown these past 2 years especially out of our almost 4 year relationship. And who would of thought that living a conservative somewhat "single" lifestyle at the moment would teach me to love and to serve others to the most of my ability and to be faithful and love fully the person who I love?
But I guess this ties to the whole being single and lonely. Being single and lonely at the age of 20 isn't necessarily the same as being single at the age of 25 and above. I often get a bit flustered when every one I know is getting married or having kids, because I know for sure I'm not there yet. Social media makes it even worse when there isn't a week that goes by that I don't see a wedding ring. I don't have a disdain for these things, I realize it's just my competitive side wanting to be behind the other fence also and be married too... but that's not what's called for me at this moment. Also, is it me or has social media paved way for less intimacy with the special moments of our lives, creating an unofficial competition of who's wedding/ring/proposal was better? Yeah.... lol off my soap box. That should be saved for another post later.
At this moment I am only 24 and still getting my doctorate, still wanting to be the best clinician I can be. I want, eventually, to be an expert in so many things (maybe tack on an alphabet soup behind my name?). I promised my parents and my family back in the Philippines I would be successful for them, because I have this opportunity, because I have been blessed.
One day I yearn (very much!!) to be a wife and a mother too, but why rush that? If God hasn't given me that path yet, then why do I have to feel like I need to be in that position? Rynel and I are both in the same place, and thankfully we both feel the same about each other and the thought of having a long future together :) but for now I won't rush him.... the love is there, and the time will come. Although I do miss him dearly and I miss SA very much.
I contemplate quite a lot. But this is what being alone has allowed me to do. To self reflect, to bring a new perspective, to see things differently in a way that allow me to keep going. You have all that you need to bring yourself happiness and the time will come for marriage/family if your heart desires it! But for now... be on the journey to be the best you. That's what I've been doing and I'm finding more things about myself that surprise me every day.
Love,
Jacq
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